“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” ~Pema Chodron
Ending a meaningful relationship isn’t the easiest thing at all, you start to think about everything wrong you did and you mostly blame yourself for it, especially if you weren’t the one who decided to end things.
You start taking responsibility for everything that happened, and you start thinking that you deserve to go through pain and grief after the breakup. You even might choose to stay lonely for years just to torture yourself.
You might hate yourself, tell yourself some bad things you don’t deserve, and you keep reminding yourself of how a bad person you were to your ex-partner.
Now you are feeling guilty and you’re blaming yourself for everything, you’re assuming that you were the reason why the relationship has come to an end.
You’re feeling guilty, worthless and you think that you don’t deserve to be loved for being a bad person and not being good enough. This way of thinking removes all responsibility from your previous partner and makes you take all the blame for everything.
You’re keeping yourself locked, you’re hurt and destructed while your ex is out there living his/ her best life.
This is exactly what I was going through when my marriage has ended. I had to put all the blame on myself and feel guilty and hurt all the time.
I couldn’t stop blaming myself for treating my ex-spouse so badly, for fighting and arguing too hard, and for how things have become.
I knew that things could’ve worked out if I was a better person and treated her the way she deserved to be treated.
Because of that, I kept myself locked up alone, I tortured myself in every way possible, I hurt myself so much I felt bad about it years after. Deep inside I knew that no one will ever want someone like me, a worthless and a hateful person.
I blamed myself for everything, never thought of blaming her. I knew that I deserved everything she did to me, I didn’t have the right to complain about it.
After years of every form of self-harm, I finally came to the conclusion that not everything was my fault, of course, I take the blame for many things that went wrong, but Now I know that the relationship didn’t end because of me.
If you find the things above relatable, you might want to continue reading to find seven ways that helped me stop torturing myself after my breakup.
How to Stop Torturing Yourself After A Breakup
1. Remind yourself that you did your best.
I am sure of one thing, if you knew how to do better in our past relationship, you wouldn’t think twice about it.
As human beings, we all try to do all it takes to keep our relationships going, you try everything you can possibly do to keep things going smoothly, so of course, it was never your intention to hurt your significant other or the relationship. Both parties do their best.
Certainly, if you were able to be more understanding and forgiving, you wouldn’t miss the chance to be.
I used to think that having feelings is a bad thing, I’ve never opened up about how I felt about my relationship. I used to think that keeping things inside would do good, but that only caused more damage. Trust me, learned that the hard way.
Besides that, I used to think that threatening a breakup when things weren’t going the way they used to be would make things better. Later I knew how much of a big mistake that was.
I know I said horrible things, but if I knew how to do any better I wouldn’t think twice.
People grow and progress with time, as individuals and as partners.
Look at the bright side, your past relationship won’t come back again, and you have room to develop and improve yourself as a human being. Work on becoming a better person before finding a new partner.
2. What happened in the past isn’t your responsibility.
You can’t take all the blame for things that went wrong in a relationship because there were two people in it. It falling apart is not your responsibility, it’s both yours and your partner’s.
Know that it’s impossible to take all the responsibility for something you had a partner in. Don’t only judge yourself, you’re trying to be too nice to them, but your ex-partner must take half the blame for everything.
3. Forgive yourself too.
You are not a robot, you are a human being too, be kind and forgive yourself. Take a break because you deserve it.
You’ve probably been too hard on yourself just because your partner was. You’re blaming yourself more for everything. Instead, try to understand and care about yourself.
We, humans, make mistakes, nobody is perfect, you might have done some bad things to your partner. But you are learning, don’t carry the burden alone. And most importantly; learn from your mistakes, don’t do them again and don’t any regrets.
You are growing and becoming a better version of yourself.
4. Try to have a better understanding of what happened before.
Try to know what went wrong in your past relationship to work on not making the same mistakes again instead of just blaming yourself all the time.
When you start to get more curious about your past experience and start exploring more, you automatically give yourself a break. You start knowing what went wrong, analyzing the good and bad things you used to do. You learn more, get a better understanding of yourself and what do you need to improve to become a better person.
Embrace your wounds, understand them and learn from them. Work on making yourself better in future relationships instead of staying stuck in a relationship that already ended.
Having a harsh past has a bright side to it too, use the pain to better yourself.
5. Stop judging and comparing yourself to your ex.
It’s a normal behavior from us, people to compare ourselves to others, which can be pretty hurtful sometimes especially when you go through a breakup
It will never help to compare yourself to your ex-partner or to your friends that are happy with their relationships. You’ll only keep judging yourself and you won’t be able to move on.
Try to work on making yourself better instead of judging and comparing your life to others. The only person you should compare yourself to is you. You have now a better understanding of how relationships work, embrace that.
Be thankful for your past relationship, because of it you are now wiser, more mature and you have a better understanding of yourself and your life.
6. Know your worth.
I know, your past relationship made you feel worthless and brought your insecurities to life again. But you are more than a relationship, you are powerful, a formidable person, keep that in mind. Don’t beat yourself.
Maybe your past relationship triggered those feelings, that’s why it’s hard for you to believe that. But once you embrace your wounds, it becomes easier to work on them.
You are important, you gave too much to the world but you don’t realize that. Without you, things would never be the same, the world would be different without you. There are people that can’t live without you, you are important whether you admit it or not.
You are more than just someone’s ex.
7. Claim the positive things that happened.
Your relationship wasn’t all perfect, but it wasn’t completely bad either. If you’re taking responsibility for some bad things that happened, it’s only fair if take it for the good things too.
For example, you grew so much as a person, you became more mature and you’re a better version of yourself.
I am certain that you and your ex-partner have helped each other become better people, both of you can’t deny that. You helped each other improve, become nicer, wiser and more powerful. Give yourself credit for it because you deserve it.
Just because a relationship didn’t work out, you don’t have to torture yourself for it and only take responsibility for the bad things that happened. Don’t feel guilty, it wasn’t your fault.
I hope you understand now that you were doing your best, it’s okay if things didn’t work out, that’s how life works. At least, you know now that you got many good things out of it. Always remember that you are a beautiful person inside out and you’ll always be.