Broken heart. The feeling that many of us would pay dearly to get through. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard and been told, “I just want to skip this part and move quickly to a time when I feel better.
I fell in love unexpectedly, but when do you expect that? I had just been through a terrible breakup and this perfect man fell from the sky. He made me feel safe and loved and so happy.
Sometimes we were so much alike that it was scary. I felt like the happiest girl in the world. I still had to get over some demons from my previous relationship, and he was just patient with me about that. I finally got my love, which turned out to be my best friend.
He called me his “future bride” and left me the sweetest words of love. I thought my heart might explode when I felt so happy.
After a while, the love of my life wanted to be out of our relationship for various reasons.
The person I was thinking of marrying sat next to me on the couch and told me she didn’t want to be with me. He’d rather be alone than with me. Is that a stab in the dark?
I felt out of control. I was angry, I tried to negotiate, I cried, I panicked – all phases of the pain. The way I acted, you would think someone was dying, but in reality, people with attachment problems feel that way when someone leaves you, it’s like someone is dying.
You get used to being with that person. Our person, our best friend, our lover who knows us best, is gone and everything is different. We feel alone. We feel unworthy.
We feel like we’re going crazy without this person. At some point, I got so attached to him that I had several panic attacks because I couldn’t get him to change his mind. I felt like my world was falling apart.
I didn’t understand why this happened. I later realized that my partner was partly responsible for it. I didn’t know how to be happy in my life without them. It had happened too often to count, and I was tired of hitting rock bottom each time.
I remembered how happy I was in my relationship and I wanted that happiness back and would do anything to get it.
After several attempts to change his mind and after several refusals, I fell into a deep depression. I blamed myself for everything that happened and did everything wrong to make it go away.
I remember I was so hurt that I was constantly crying on the floor, wrapped up in my thoughts; nothing else mattered.
One day, when I was in a state of panic and depression, my family and friends called me and tried to help me out of this hole I had gotten myself into. I listened to them, but it didn’t work. No one could help me and nothing they could say or do could take away my pain. It was up to me.
I didn’t want to die, but I wanted to escape the pain. Out of my head. I wanted another person’s life. I looked at the other people in the supermarket and thought about how normal they looked. If only I could have that, feel really normal and have a normal day like everyone else.
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